2018: Keep It Simple, Stupid

You may have noticed that I haven’t written in a while, about a month and a half to be exact. When I started this blog, I had just had the idea to write a book. It’s a dream I’ve always had, I was just starting to feel good again after a shit-filled nine months of dealing with my perinatal mental illness. I felt like I was finally happy, finally strong, and ready to do EVERYTHING. The material started pouring out. I started the blog and the Facebook page hoping to involve my friends and grow a little following.

Then my kids got sick, I got sick, we went on vacation,the kids both got sick again for vacation, and all three of us got sick again for Christmas. My feelings of depression and anxiety returned. I stopped writing. I struggled to get my school work done, and I received the lowest grade on a paper I’ve ever gotten. My to-do list keeps growing with nothing getting crossed off. My house is a mess. I’m overwhelmed by all the shit everywhere. Once again, I felt like I had dropped every ball I was supposed to be juggling. I started to resign myself to the fact that I was never going to have my shit together.

So I’ve been crying a lot. Crying because I feel so overwhelmed. Crying because my baby’s birthday is coming up and I’m still grieving losing her infancy to PMAD. Crying because I’m generally a train wreck. I was crying at work on NYE and having a group therapy session with my coworkers (I love you guys), and a friend told me she looks for the silver lining in dealing with anxiety. Why did God give this illness to me? I’m not a religious person, but I decided to try it. For the New Year, I sat and really reflected on my year. I tried to receive the message.

The message fell on my head like a ton of bricks. PUT DOWN THE BALLS. Stop the juggling act. Slow the fuck down. To borrow from my 12-step friends,keep it simple, stupid!

This is something my friends (ahem…Carrie), my mom, and my therapist have been trying to tell me for a long time. But here’s my secret, I’m a closet overachiever. I thought constantly moving on to the next goals and being the best at everything, all while making it look like I wasn’t trying very hard, I thought that was bringing me happiness. I thought that if I could just get back to managing it all while making it look easy, that’s when I would be back to my old self. But now I realize the overburdening has to stop! The universe has been trying to tell me for a while, and I’m finally going to listen. When the pain gets great enough and all that.

Stay tuned in for my journey to simplicity. Thanks and love you all!


One thought on “2018: Keep It Simple, Stupid

  1. I know the phrase doesn’t mean much but I’m so sorry for your lost 😦 I can’t imagine the pain. But keep your head up and lean on people for support, it’s out there. Also sorry about the depression, I battle it everyday.


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